Meaning of Numbers In The Bible
“Let There Be Light”
Meaning of Numbers In The Bible
** Some of the following information was borrowed from the book
Numerology: and The Divine Triangle
by Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker **
Bible Numerology
Here’s a short list of keywords for the numbers in biblical times:
0. Source before manifestation.
1. God, the one immutable divine unity.
2. Duality—human, not divine.
3. Attributes of 1+2 = 3—union of divine and human qualities.
4. The idea of solidity—steadfastness.
5. Humanity with its five developed senses.
6. Equilibrium, fitness, peace.
7. Humanity’s septenary nature, cyclic fullness.
8. Accumulation, strength, power, augmentation.
9. Consolidation, conservation, humanness.
(The true mission of the 9 is to serve as a minister of God on earth.)
10. God and humanity, father-mother-deity, completion.
12. Strong Individual Principles – End of a cycle. Creative – Self Expression – Artistic – Rhythm – Communication – Expansion and Growth – Inner Peace.
40. Overcoming Inharmonies For Other People – Going Through The Wilderness – Overcoming – cooperation – harmony – responsibility – firm foundation – practical – organized – disciple – hard worker – planner. This energy is constantly striving to overcome inharmony for self and others. The talents have ensured an orderly lifestyle, and the quiet receptive nature can deal wisely with others. The higher guidance is always available for protection and direction. The goal and purpose of this energy is to bring the Spiritual energies into the material plane to overcome the inharmonies and bring balance. It is developing Cosmic Consciousness that will help tune-in to the real meaning of life. Many are going through the wilderness until they learn the singleness of purpose and the true plan for man on earth – selfless devotion to the uplifting of humanity and its environment.
666-Spiritual-Material Conflict – In numerology, you count this number as 6+6+6 = 18 (1+8) = 9 – so 666= 18/9 – 18 is 9 vibrating at this level – REMEMBER 9 is the number of HUMANNESS / HUMANITY – 18 gives 9, humanness, a vibration of Spiritual-Material Conflict. 18 symbolizes materialism striving to destroy the spiritual side of nature. It often associates the person or entity represented (humanity here) by bitter quarrels within the family circle (humanity/the world) – with wars, social upheaval, and revolution. In some cases it indicates making money or achieving position through divisive tactics through war or conflict. It warns of treachery and deception from both “friends” and enemies; also danger from the elements such as fire, flood, earthquakes, tempests and explosions, electrical shock or lightening. The only way to dilute its effect on life is by spiritual means, by unfailing and repeatedly meeting deception and hatred from others with generosity, love, forgiveness, by “turning the other cheek” and returning good for evil, kindness for cruelty, honesty for dishonesty, honor for dishonor.
JESUS = 1+5+3+6+3 = 18/9 – He overcame the 18 influence and vibrated to the highest level of 9 to show us the way – How to serve as ministers to God on Earth!
Below you will find a very detailed explanation of the meaning of numbers in the bible for the old and new testaments:
BIBLE NUMBER SYMBOLISM
THE BIBLE is a veritable mine of number symbology. Both the Old and New Testaments reveal, by use of numbers, depth, meaning, and hidden concepts which commonly escape the casual reader. The Zohar, a collection of mystical kabalistic writings, states that, “The Universe was created by three forms of expression – Numbers, Letters and Words.” The letters in all alphabets represent definite powers. To study the vibratory value of numbers and letters is to study the divine creative energies in various degrees of manifestation. Every name in the Bible describes a deeper meaning regarding the person or place to which it applies. Similarly certain words are made to have hidden significance.
Bible Symbology – The Old Testament
To read through the Old Testament, the Torah, Cabalah, and other sacred Hebraic writings, is to become well aware of how the Hebrews used the science of names and numbers in their number-letter code. By this code they wished to obscure their meanings from the uninitiated, and at the same time to reveal their inner teachings to the initiate.
For example, the story of Cain slaying Abel is about fraternal rivalry. But symbolically, the name Cain means body and materialistic human desires, while Abel stands for the soul and idealistic human nature. These characters were so named to warn that materialism would kill spiritual ideas; hence Cain was said to have killed Abel (Genesis 4:8).
Each letter of the Hebrew alphabet has several meanings – for example the letter Aleph (A) means “life-breath, power, source;” while the letter Beth ((B) means “house, shelter” – and so on with every letter. The symbology allowed hidden teachings to be evident to those who knew how to read the deeper message contained in the names of all persons and places described. Scholars could also penetrate the mask of allegory and receive or give divine guidance through numbers and letters.
Many biblical characters that reached periods of spiritual growth and development in their lives were given new names by divine direction. Thus Abram became Abraham (Genesis 17:5) and Sara became Sarah (Genesis 17:15). In both cases, the Hebrew Heh (H), a letter meaning “light” and having a vibration of 9, was added to the name to denote the attainment of spiritual light.
New Testament writers also made name changes to point out an individual’s spiritual progress. For example, Saul became Paul after his conversion to Christianity (Acts 9:1-22 and 13:9). This symbolized the removal of the Hebrew Shin (5) and its replacement with the Hebrew Peh (P). Shin means “tooth or fang of a serpent. “Peh means, “mouth.” After this change, Saul became Paul, the spokesman for Christ (Acts 13:9). As Proverbs 22:1 states, “a good name is rather to be chosen than great riches.”
A further use of numbers in biblical language involves recounting the number of years a person lived, beget and died. These numbers did not refer to the person’s age in years, but rather to progress in spiritual attainment. The meaning of the name of the begotten indicated the development of a characteristic. Cycles also were indicated by the generations of descent. For example, from Adam to Noah there were nine generations, and from Noah to Abraham there were also nine generations. That made Noah the ninth from Adam, and Abraham the ninth from Noah.
Adam had three sons – Cain (body), Abel (soul) and Seth (replacement for Abel to carry the spiritual light). In a parallel situation, Old Noah also had three sons—Shem (spirit), Ham (physical nature) and Testament Japhet (mental nature). These names represented the growth of humanity in consciousness after eighteen cycles of change.
Abram meant “father,” while Abraham implied the added faith in God, which he had come to realize. At ninety-nine years of age, Abraham begat Isaac, whose name meant “joy in divine sonship.” Isaac begat Jacob, whose name meant “illumination through un-folding soul.” Jacob’s twelve sons (Genesis 35:22-27) refer to the twelve types of consciousness represented by the twelve character types in the signs of the zodiac.
To study the whole Bible in this light is to have a lifetime of fascinating discovery. It can be said that Hebrew, more than any other language offers us a great opportunity to study the profound power and significance of names.
Here is a short list of keywords for the numbers in biblical times:
0. Source before manifestation.
1. God, the one immutable divine unity.
2. Duality—human, not divine.
3. Attributes of 1+2 = 3—union of divine and human qualities.
4. The idea of solidity—steadfastness.
5. Humanity with its five developed senses.
6. Equilibrium, fitness, peace.
7. Humanity’s septenary nature, cyclic fullness.
8. Accumulation, strength, power, augmentation.
9. Consolidation, conservation, humanness.
(The true mission of the 9 is to serve as a minister of God on earth.)
10. God and humanity, father-mother-deity, completion.
Modern numerology has grown partly from these concepts. The numbers and letters reflect meanings from the past coupled with many added spiritual interpretations. Meanings of our names today have deep significance and can be delineated letter by letter and number by number as we attain cycles of expression year by year in our own lives.
0 – (Zero) – GENESIS, which means, “first cause,” relates to the primordial source. The first few verses of Genesis pertain only to the one God, as divine creator, who brings the world into existence out of the void, or from the unmanifest.
1 – (One) – “LET THERE BE LIGHT” (Genesis 1:3). The first spiritual emanation was light. If our soul continues to follow the light, we will get back to our source. 1 stands for a beginning, a new start and unity.
2 – (Two) – “ . . .AND GOD DIVIDED the light from the darkness” (Genesis Symbology 1:4). In 2 there is duality, day and night, heaven and earth, man and woman and all pairs of opposites. Thus the development of choice began between good and evil, true and false and positive and negative. Pythagoras says, “2 is the imperfect condition into which ‘being’ falls, when it becomes detached from the monad, God.” Manly Hall in The Mystical Christ, states, “When the eyes of the both are opened, the sight of the soul is obscured.”
3 – (Three)- THE FIRST TRINITY—Adam and Eve and child. Thus 3 means Manifestation and expansion. Other trinities survive in our world-body, soul, and spirit, and the three divisions of Mind-conscious, subconscious and super-conscious.
4 – (Four)- MANY BIBLICAL REFERENCES are taken from the cycles of the natural world. The symbology of the four seasons and four winds is embodied in Ezekiel’s vision of the four living creatures—the face of a man, the face of a lion, the face of an ox and the face of an eagle (Ezekiel 1:5-14). These four relate to the four fixed signs of the zodiac.
The four elements appear symbolically as the birds of the air, the fish of the sea, the fire of the Lord and the products of the earth. Genesis 2:10-14 tells of the “river out of Eden which parted into four heads.” The rivers were named Pison, Gihon, Hiddekel and Euphrates. Metaphysically these names mean spirit (fire), breath (air), body (earth) and blood (water). These symbolize spirit, mind, body and soul, which are the four principles that vitalize the material body during the earth life.
5 – (Five) – METAPHYSICALLY a “river” represents vital force. Human beings are the container of this force, as a “garden” symbolizes the body. The river of Genesis 2:10-14, described under number 4, represents the flow of humanity itself throughout the earth, which divides and divides until it covers all the earth. The 5 is the number of humanity with our five developed senses. The five senses are introduced in the early chapters of Genesis to indicate that the senses are essential in human creation; and therefore 5 is the number of humanity. Five plays an important part in the story of David and Goliath, “…and David chose five smooth stones out of the brook” and “David took a stone and smote the Philistine (Goliath) in the forehead. The stone sunk into the forehead and he fell to the ground, (I Samuel 17:40). The five stones represent the spiritualization of David’s senses. David believed in the indwelling God of love and had learned to depend upon the spiritual power within himself. According to a mystical legend, when David touched the five stones they became Old as one stone, thus combining the total powers of his senses. The name Testament Goliath means material power; thus the story is meant to demonstrate the power of the spiritual over the material.
6 –(Six) – THE PREPARATIONS for the emergence of humanity had all been made during the five days of creation, so on the sixth day, God made human beings. “In the image of God created He him, male and female created He them,” (Genesis 1:27). So 6 is associated with generation, motherhood, fatherhood, domesticity and service. Home, family and children are the concerns of 6; human relationships and love abound.
Moses, the first lawgiver, patterned the Ten Commandments after the Lord’s example of creating the universe in six days. “Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work” (Exodus 20:9). Therefore 6 is related to labor and service, as shown by the sixth sign of the zodiac, Virgo.
Through love, the sixth sense is to be developed as people demonstrate their godliness. The Book of Ruth is keyed to the number 6 and to love. In Ruth 3:15, Boaz gives Ruth six measures of barley, symbolic of love and protection.
7 – (Seven) – IS THE PRINCIPLE NUMBER in the Bible; it is used in-numerable times (some say over three hundred sixty) throughout both the Old and New Testaments. “But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God… For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth…, and rested the seventh day; wherefore the Lord blessed the seventh day and hallowed it” (Exodus 20:10-11). One of the most profound examples of the use of the symbolic number 7 is related to the fall of Jericho in the Book of Joshua, 6:1-20:
And the Lord said unto Joshua, “And ye shall compass the city… and go round about the city once. Thus shalt thou do six days. “…And the priests shall bear before the ark seven trumpets of rams’ horns: and the seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets…. When they make a long blast with the ram’s horn and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout, and the wall of the city shall fall down flat.”
It becomes evident that the fall of Jericho was not by warfare but rather was by the principle of the 7. Victory was achieved by means of the positive vibration of sound, which had been built up to a tremendous power.
8 – (Eight)- THE MYSTERY of the 8 is that of eternal and continuous spiral motion, which is constant throughout the universe. The life force currents sweep through the body in the form of a figure 8 Symbology following the cerebro-spinal and the sympathetic nervous systems, like radiation’s of light. This is why in deep meditation one sees a real light within. The symbol, the horizontal 8, means “as above, so below. ”It is a symbol of power. In Genesis 17:10 the rite and covenant of circumcision was to be performed on the eighth day of a man-child’s life. This was considered one of the most important covenants between God and humanity.
9 – (Nine) – IS THE ULTIMATE, containing the forces of all the other numbers. It stands for a complete cycle of growth. The nine generations from Adam to Noah and from Noah to Abraham indicate stages of growth and development. Noah was the ninth from Adam, and Abraham was the ninth from Noah. When Abram received his covenant from God and his new name, Abraham, he was “ninety and nine years old” (Genesis 17:1-5). Symbolically, his age reduces to a 9, to indicate that this was a period of time in which a spiritual cycle had been completed. The addition of the Hebrew Heh (H) to Abram’s name carries a 9 vibration as well.
New Testament – Numerology Symbology
In the first four books of the New Testament, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, the writers express their Christian teachings mostly by allegory and parable. These are meant to be interpreted in various ways; some apply to the cosmic world as a whole, some to our solar system, some to the entire human race and some to individuals. Since a person is called the microcosm within the macrocosm, an individual represents, in miniature, all that is, was and will be.
As in the Old Testament, symbology is used also to point out significant hidden meanings in names and numbers. The art and science of numerology is one of the most obvious methods employed, although a deep understanding of the basic meanings of numbers is necessary for a complete unraveling of inner meanings. The New Testament describes the path of faith. Faith is the conscious acceptance of wisdom and love. When faith is strong the mind is at peace and the body is free of tension. Faith is a mystical conviction that God is presently a power within the individual. The instinct to believe is as strong as the instinct to survive, impelling one to search for a philosophy to sustain one’s hopes and desires on the journey through life. It is said that primitive people were mystics by instinct and that modern people are mystics by intuition. In Christian teachings Christ is the revelation of the love and forgiveness of God. The Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:17) is the code of mystic Christianity, and it is in the faithful heart that the Sermon is understood.
The twelve disciples of Jesus represent an extension of the twelve new tribes of Israel. The seventy-two other disciples correspond to the six Testament elders chosen from each of the original twelve tribes.
The Pythagorean dodecahedron (a twelve-sided symmetrical figure, which can be compared to the twelve lines of the Divine Triangle) represents the universe as related to humanity. This indicates that the individual has within himself the potential of the twelve powers as they relate to the inherent attributes within the twelve signs of the zodiac. The search for knowledge is motivated by the desire to understand the self in relation to God.
The New Testament writers symbolically applied all the basic numbers to express their ideas, but made more references to specific numbers relating to the seven-fold human body, to the divine potential of the human mind and soul and to spiritual destiny. Many years elapsed between the writing of the Old and New Testaments which allowed time for much expansion of human consciousness. As a result, many more meanings for the numbers had accrued. The use of symbolism had grown and was liberally employed as a means of revelation.
1 – (One) – Is THE ZERO made more manifest; it is the self, independence and unity. “In the beginning was the Word… and the Word was God” (John 1:1). 1 is the basis or cause of a beginning; it is a start, a creative idea for expression.
2 – (Two) – ENCOMPASSES ALL PAIRS of opposites —male and female, spirit and matter, heaven and hell. “No man can serve two masters… ye cannot serve God and Mammon,” (Matthew 6:24). There is always a choice to be made between the pairs of opposites; thus we are warned that in duality there is danger. “A house divided against itself shall not stand,” (Matthew 12:25). But, “If two agree, it shall be done,” (Matthew 18:19).
3 – (Three) – SYMBOLIZES THE TRINITY, triad and trine—the three dimensions. In a larger sense, the 3 stands for multiplication and growth. Three of the disciples went with Jesus into the garden of Gethsemane. They were Peter, James and John; these three stand for light, life and love. “And Jesus went apart and prayed three times…, each time He returned to find them asleep.” The inner meaning is that Jesus felt that light, life and love were forsaking Him, as He said in His prayer, “Father let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, Thy will be done” (Matthew 26:37-45; Mark 14:32-41). Jesus asked Peter three times, “Lovest thou me?” (John 21:15-17). The three inquiries refer to love on the three planes of consciousness — the conscious mind, the subconscious mind and the superconscious mind. “If two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them,” (Matthew 18:20). This also refers to the three parts of the mind, and avers that if all agree, the Christ power will prevail.
The story of Jesus is a story of 3’s. He rose after three days and he was denied thrice by Peter. The fact that Jesus was crucified between two thieves is symbolic of the divided system of belief, which has stolen many of the true teachings. Christ sat down with the twelve, a higher vibration of 3. Judas bargained for thirty pieces of silver, again a vibration of 3.
4 – (Four) – STANDS FOR LAW and order, measurement, the physical and material realms, reason, logic, the square and the cross. Whenever a number is made up of straight lines, it symbolizes the divine principle; therefore the 4 and the 7 are called sacred numbers. The symbols are the square and the cross. The cross is always a sacred symbol wherever found.
Traditionally, the equal-armed cross, represented man. With the coming of Christ, the horizontal line of the cross was raised from the umbilical center to the heart center. It is not necessarily a Christian symbol; other spiritual leaders have died on the cross such as Krishna of India, Thamus of Syria, Hesus of the Druids, Mithra of Persia and Quexalcotl of Mexico.
“And He was there in the wilderness forty days tempted by Satan; and was with the wild beasts, and the angels ministered unto him,” (Mark 1:13). 40 is used in a Scripture to indicate a completed cycle of retreat from things of the world in preparation for something better to follow.
On the morning of the fourth day after he died, Lazarus (meaning lack of spiritual understanding) lay in the tomb, bound hand and foot, with grave clothes wound around him. The fourth dawning day is when spiritual understanding shall release us from the grave of materialism and bring awakening to the one light.
“At the fourth watch, just as gray dawn was breaking, they beheld one walking on the water,” (Matthew 14:25). This refers metaphorically to the dawning of Aquarian Age, the age of community.
5 – (Five) – STANDS FOR MEDIATION, understanding and judgment. The ancients represented the world by the number 5, the explanation being that in 5 are represented the four elements earth, water, fire and air, plus the fifth essence, ether or spirit. Five became the number of humanity with the five developed senses. It is the great senses, after which the sixth sense intuition develops.
The five wounds of Christ symbolize the suffering endured while in the flesh, which leads us to turn to God. In the parable of the five wise and the five foolish virgins (Matthew 25:3), “They that were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them. But the wise took oil in Testament their vessels with their lamps.” The oil relates to the anointed, or those who had light. Human beings can choose the light or reject it by their actions. Interestingly, the word oil is a 9-powered word, which means a completed cycle of attainment.
6 – (Six) – IS THE NUMBER OF BALANCE, harmony, cooperation, marriage, connubiality and beauty. “And there were set there six water pots of stone” (John 2:6) for the wedding feast. A wedding represents love (as does the number 6) at its most blissful state in earthly consciousness. The 6 expresses universal love, for out of the sorrows of personal love, the soul awakens to the higher life which leads to illumination or adeptship. Jesus’ first miracle changed six pots of water to wine.
7 – (Seven) – Is THE NUMBER OF REST, cessation but not ceasing, safety, and the full measure of the triad and the quaternary. One of the greatest heritages from the Christian Scriptures is the seven-fold path of the Lord’s prayer. The seven statements express the triad and the quaternary (Matthew 6:9-13):
1. Our Father which art in heaven,
2. Hallowed be Thy Name.
3. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
4. Give us this day our daily bread, and
5. Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
6. Lead us not into temptation,
7. But deliver us from evil.
The final statement (“For Thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory, forever”) was added much later to symbolize return to the heavenly state.
8 – (Eight) – STANDS FOR INVOLUTION AND EVOLUTION, for cycles of ebb and flow, infinity, rhythm, advancement, strength and confidence.
The 8 is not a primary number in the New Testament. Rather, we find the 8 figures heavily in the eight-fold path of the Buddha and in occult literature.
9 – (Nine) – REFERS TO COMPLETION, attainment, fulfillment, regeneration and revelation. Many words in the Bible are used for their symbolic meanings and teachings mystically concealed. Bread and wine are usually linked together. Bread is a 3-powered word; wine is a 6-powered word; together they form a symbol of the 9-power of regeneration. Thus the serving of bread and wine means that one is to partake of a regenerative process when taking communion.
In the Book of Revelation there are two numbers whose meanings have caused much discussion. These two numbers, the 666 and the 144,000 both vibrate to a 9. The 144,000 who were sealed as members of the Tribes of Israel refer to developed or saved humanity. The seal refers to the protective “sign in their foreheads,” (Revelations 9:4). The 666, described as the “number of the beast” (Revelations 13:18), refers to humanity functioning at the materialistic un-regenerated level. Thus these two numbers mystically refer to the evolution of humanity, either as ‘lost” (666) or “saved” (144,000). Humanity, symbolically called the “Hand of God,” demonstrates the same principle. Hand is a 9-powered word and refers to humanity as one of God’s helpers in bringing forth His Kingdom.
The nine statements of blessing in the Sermon on the Mount, which show a completed cycle, represent the essence of the New Testament teaching that the greatest of all power is love. Love is a 9-powered word. “He that loveth not, knoweth not God, for God is love,” (I John 4:8). “God is love, and he that dwelleth in love, dwelleth in God, and God in him,” (I John 4:16). In the ninth hour – the hour of prayer – Christ on the cross said, “It is finished,” (John 19:30).
The numbers 12 and 13 hold a special place in both the Old and New Testaments.
12 – (Twelve) – THERE WERE Twelve Tribes of Israel who were the sons of Jacob. When Jacob gave his blessing to his twelve sons, he was referring not only to twelve individuals, but also to the development of twelve attributes to be awakened in the human soul. These paralleled the twelve characteristics of the twelve signs of the zodiac (Genesis 49:1-28). The work of these twelve sons dominated most of the Old Testament. Each tribe expressed the qualities of one sign of the zodiac and responded to a certain number. No tribe was wholly good or bad. These twelve signs and their corresponding numbers are operative in the lives of every individual, for each person indeed is a miniature universe.
Jesus chose to have twelve apostles. These also relate in character to the twelve signs of the zodiac to make a complete gathering of types of people in the inner circle of followers of Jesus. Thus the vibrational force under the number 12 belongs to the developed soul who has accumulated unusual inner strength through many and varied experiences.
13 – (Thirteen) – IS A NUMBER of special significance. Note that there were twelve apostles, but Jesus, the Christ, made a thirteenth member at the Last Supper. 12 is the number of solar New months in the year, but 13 is the number of lunar months. While the Testament solar vibrations are positive-creative in type, the lunar vibrations are negative-receptive in type. Each, as a reflection of God, is equally important.
13 means either death through degeneration, or life and attainment through regeneration. There are no halfway measures in 13; it requires all or nothing. If 13 is your number, face it and win! “Choose ye this day whom ye will serve,” (Joshua 24:15). In Deuteronomy 30:16, Moses said, “See, I have set before thee this day life and good — or death and evil — therefore choose life, and both thou and thy seed shall live.
Incarnation in the flesh represents the soul’s burial in matter, where it loses the power it originally had in the ethereal realm where it was created to be a companion to God. Eating of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil leads to spiritual, not physical, death. When the soul turns from God to self it figuratively dies. We wander about on earth in the flesh, as prodigal sons and daughters, victims of spiritual amnesia. The prodigal, even as you and I, went from the father’s home of his own free will; the father did not send him.
Both the Old and the New Testaments contain numerous instances of the use of numerological symbols in the form of parable and allegory. Because every number and letter has a dual meaning, hidden messages are discernible to readers who understand the number-letter codes employed in biblical times.
In addition, there are three levels of meaning or knowledge, which the reader can acquire. The first level comes through the conscious mind and applies to the material or physical world. The second level is absorbed through the subconscious mind and is acquired by means of parables and symbols. The third level deals with revelations on the super-conscious plane of thought and affirms that we must rediscover whom we are from within.
The Bible is the story of humanity and its generations (growth and attainment), of its degeneration (the prodigal who left his father’s house forgetful of his divinity) and of its regeneration through the possible path of return to the consciousness within which proclaims, “Thy Will be done.”
Numerology: and The Divine Triangle
by Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker
Coping with Death and Pain
Coping with Death and Pain…
ABOUT MY MOM’S DEATH
I was asked in an e-mail, HOW I CAME UP WITH MY BELIEFS? This was my reply:
I came up with my beliefs by seeking the truth. I prayed to God to send the Holy Spirit to guide me in my search to know the truth… and asked not to let me be lead astray by any man. In turn I promised that I would seek… and I have not stopped seeking. It is promised in the Bible that we will know the truth if we seek it out. “Seek and you shall find… knock and the door shall be opened.”
My Mother was sick with cancer when I prayed that prayer… and she died the day she turned 47, on her birthday, within the same hour she was born. Before she was sick, she prayed one day to God that if He would only save her family, that she would do anything… that she would even be willing to die for us, if that’s what it would take to make us find God. Oddly enough… even though she was declared in perfect health just 3 months earlier by a physical… she ended up with the deadliest form of Ovarian Cancer, which was spread throughout her entire body, only one month after praying that prayer. She died almost exactly one year later.
Her sickness caused me to seek answers in God… and He has opened my heart in love with His truth… and I in-turn want to share it with everyone that God chooses to place into my life!
MORE E-MAIL CORRESPONDENCE
WORKING THROUGH PAIN:
Dear Darren,
I want you to know how HAPPY I am that I have YOU and Sherion in my life… people who understand me. If I didn’t have you to express my feelings to, someone who really understood me, I might go crazy. It helps me to write to you… it’s like therapy in a way.
I was listening to the VERVE CD while getting ready for work, and the song “… the drugs don’t work, they just make you worse, but I know I’ll see your face again…” I have been overwhelmed this morning with Love, wanting to cry, and fighting back the tears. I have been picturing the last time I was with my Mom and it makes me so shaky inside. I finally understand how BIG her love was in the end.
Sherion called me this morning, and through our conversation, she said that she wished that my dad and brother could really understand how much I loved them. They don’t TRULY understand why I couldn’t work with them, and they are hurt that I left. They think that I am so selfish and into myself. They think that I don’t really care about them.
My Dad is waiting for me to come to him and say that I was wrong for leaving and to apologize to him. I have told them that I was sorry, but that I just could not be there anymore. They don’t understand that I have been on a quest to know God and His Love, which is the real reason I left, BUT, HOW CAN I EXPLAIN SOMETHING THAT THEIR MINDS ARE NOT TRULY OPEN TO UNDERSTANDING AT THIS TIME. Following my faith and intuition sounds like some kind of VOODOO to them.
I love them so much, and I wish that they could see how that when they are judging me… “that how they see me is in actuality, HOW THEY SEE THEMSELVES”… “that they are seeing me with what they are seeing with.”
I am just overwhelmed this morning with real LOVE. I just keep thinking that I am truly willing to be used however is necessary to help wake them up. I truly feel for the first time, God’s Love on a level that gives me the strength to say that I would willing lay down my life for them, if it would help them find God in their hearts. Now I really know how much my Mother loved us when she prayed that prayer to God to use her however he wished, but to please just save her family.
I know now that she truly did find the LOVE OF GOD inside her… and that she is OK.
Thank you for sharing with me…
I Love You,
Shelley
A REPLY FROM DARREN:
Shelley -
Love does “hurt” sometimes… it hurts in a way that your soul is tugging at you telling you that something needs to be done or understood. You are obviously right in thinking that your stepfather sees you through his eyes, which is to say as he sees himself. When you think of it though, who does not reflect their own personal experiences and lives onto others. Many people do not take the time to understand another soul’s purpose. Does this make them bad people? Absolutely not. In reality, I feel that your stepfather is doing what he thinks is best for you. He assumes that his way of life, which has brought him much happiness (even though a false happiness as we know it), is what will make others, as well as you, happy also.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that your stepfather loves you very much also. He helped raise you from a young age and wants the best for you just like you do for him. You have moved on to a better understanding of what is best for you. Your responsibility is not to make him think that what you are saying is not “voodoo,” but to let him know that your choice to leave the business was in no way a reflection of your feelings for him. For I am sure that he feels anger towards you not because you left the business, but because he feels you took your love away from him for something that he did. Go to him and let him know that is not so. You love him now more than ever and that business or no business; you will always love him. Apologizing will not help in this matter because the true meaning of your departure goes beyond what simple words can express. saying your sorry, although necessary in instances where an apology is due, does not seem to apply here. Are you sorry that you have become closer to God? Let your stepfather know that you have found a level of peace within yourself and that you want the peace between you and him to return. If you are honest in your approach and in your words, then no one can deny their value.
Talk to you soon and take care of yourself.
I love you,
Darren
A REPLY FROM SHERION:
Sherion wrote in response to my letter to Darren:
Shelley,
This is beautiful. It is so good, so wonderful, so very healing that you are coming to an understanding of your mother’s beautiful and loving life and to your own life. LOVE is the very best way to describe her -and yourself. I will share this with your Dad tonight. Your words are clear, strong and very loving — as well as full of hurt. You are so very tender, so sensitive. This is a special gift, Shelley. Cultivate it. They are just a small reflection of the love that God has for us and how much He wants us to have a life filled with the Light.
You are special. I am grateful to Lynn for the gift of you! You are surrounded by love and light. God is within your heart and you are experiencing this wonderful peace that passes all understanding.
I love you — very much,
Sherion
SOMETHING ABOUT PAIN:
I believe that God designed us to have feelings, so that we can be aware of the lessons we need to learn. If we never felt any pain, we wouldn’t be aware that anything was wrong inside of us. I believe the pain is a signal from our subconscious that is sending us a red flag that says “OK… feel that… there is a lesson for you to learn here.”
If you are always trying to control your feelings, by avoiding them or blocking them out, you are actually allowing your ego to rule your life (against God’s design), and are causing yourself to become more and more detached from your soul. To be WHOLE we must allow ourselves to feel pain, recognize that there is an important lesson to be learned from it, and then get on with the business of learning it, by greeting it head on. (Isn’t it ironic that by avoiding pain, we actually are preventing our own healing?) Only when we stop fearing pain will we truly ever live a happy healthy life.
I’ve discovered the hard way, (many times), that pain is a good thing… because now every time I feel it, I look at it as another opportunity for my growth (which is the #1 most important thing). When I put those steps into action, I end up growing by leaps and bounds. And the reward is, that once you learn the lesson, the pain stops…(and as a double bonus, you stop repeating the same old mistakes). What a beautiful system God designed… you only have to feel that pain once (for ONE LAST time) instead of over and over again.
Joy, Sorrow & Love
Borrowed from THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran
JOY AND SORROW:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises
was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine
the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the flute that soothes your spirit,
the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find that it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,”
and others say, “Nay, sorrow is greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your table, remember the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
LOVE
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams,
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your
Tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in
their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn, he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may
know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace
and love’s pleasure Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-door,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh
but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,”
but rather” I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody into the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
To All Who Are Hurting
To All Who Are Hurting
You may not understand it yet, but…
Pain,
falls like rain
to help you grow.
It comes into your life
for a reason.
Death
in all forms,
visits everything born.
All things have their
season.
Death in any form is just a transformation from one state of being to another. All things change; they must to make room for the new. Pain is set before you to help you awaken from your cocoon.
Pain will knock on your door, relentlessly, forever more, until you stop refusing to answer its call. Put your pride aside, open yourself wide, and look deep inside. Ask Pain what it has to teach you, learn its lesson, and CHANGE.
Don’t keep repeating the same old mistakes.
Do this, and you will find more wealth than you can possibly imagine. Change your legacy… then you will fly free with me, my caterpillars, free, like the beautiful butterflies you truly are, becoming one with the stars, escaping the veil that keeps you in darkness, trapping you in the illusion of sin, and all you believe your-Self to be.
Nothing beyond your-Self can bring you pain. It is your own personality, the person you believe your-Self to be, your own ego, who is attached to this world and its things. It is your EGO that doesn’t want you to change, to grow out of it and into who you really are… Soul. It would have you believe that you are set apart and special, separate from God and others… ALONE.
If it were not for the pain of loss, how would you ever know that you loved? Pain is necessary for the recognition of WHO YOU REALLY ARE. Your longing for love, approval, and acceptance from someone else, is merely a manifestation of your own need to love, approve of, and accept your-SELF.
TO KNOW YOUR-SELF (your-Soul) is to become WHOLE. When you KNOW you are not separate, you will be One with all life, and you will be on your way to being healed.
Pain is necessary, in order to find the TRUTH you seek. To run from it is to be weak. It is the truth about LOVE that you are searching for, while in this body, walking on this earth, whether you know it yet or not. Pain is your friend; don’t hide from it, don’t cover it up. It will lead you to truth’s discovery. Embrace it, learn from it, and see it for the mirror that it is.
Stay on the path to LOVE, by holding Pain’s hand when it comes your way, and then you will start to understand. You will come to your-Soul-Self. Then you will cry tears of thankfulness, for all the joy that pain has brought to you.
Pain – taken from a ‘Course In Miracles’
Pain is a sign illusions reign in place of truth.
Pain is a wrong perspective. When it is experienced in any form, it is a proof of self-deception. It is not a fact at all. There is no form it takes that will not disappear if seen aright.
Nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to do so. Pain is but the sign you have misunderstood yourself. Do you not see that all your misery comes from the strange belief that you are powerless?
Seek not outside yourself… For all your pain comes simply from a futile search for what you want, insisting where it must be found. Look about the world, and see the suffering there.
Is not your heart willing to bring your weary brothers rest? They must await your own release. They stay in chains till you are free. Pain is the ransom you have gladly paid not to be free.
It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression.
No one but yourself affects you.
There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are.
I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.
SOMETHING ABOUT PAIN WRITTEN IN 1999
I believe that God designed us to have feelings, so that we can be aware of the lessons we need to learn. If we never felt any pain, we wouldn’t be aware that anything was wrong inside of us. I believe that pain is a signal from our subconscious, a red flag saying, ”OK… feel that… there is a lesson for you to learn here.”
If you are always trying to control your feelings, by avoiding them or blocking them out, you are actually allowing your ego to rule your life (against God’s design), and are causing yourself to become more and more detached from your soul.
To be WHOLE we must allow ourselves to feel pain, recognize that there is an important lesson to be realized from it, and then get on with the business of learning it by greeting it head on. (Isn’t it ironic that by avoiding pain, we are actually preventing our own healing?) Only when we stop fearing pain, will we truly ever live a happy, healthy life.
I discovered the hard way (many times), that pain is a good thing… because now every time I feel it, I look at it as another opportunity for growth (which is the #1 most important thing).
When I put those steps into action, I end up growing by leaps and bounds. And the reward is this: once you learn the lesson, the pain stops… and as a double bonus, you stop repeating the same old mistakes. What a beautiful system God designed… you only have to feel the pain once (for ONE LAST time) instead of over and over again.
When I Know Myself, I Know You.
When I Love Myself,
I Love You.
We Are One.
Separation Is An Illusion.
Please Pass it On…
EXPECTATIONS
EXPECTATIONS
Hi Kade,
When I was with you last, I lay there praying to God while you were sleeping…. “Thy will and not my will be done”… because I know He knows what is best… not me. I just don’t want to lose you for a reason that is based on something you fear about me, which is not a reality. I know I have to accept the fact that things will work out for the best, and will be as they were meant to be. The only thing to fear is fear itself, for we never really lose anything of value… not anything that we really need. I know it will not do me any good to try and hold on to you, if it’s not what you want… or is not what is meant to be. It is said that “The things that are yours will come to you”… and that we do not have to go out and try to find them.
It is no wonder that I have not been able to admit that I need someone and have tried to depend on myself… not only for the reasons I have already told you, but also because all my life I have lost the people that I have loved. They have all left me, one way or another, and one right after the other. This has made me feel very insecure in the past, like I shouldn’t even allow myself to love anyone anymore. But I have learned that is not rational thinking… and that it is even impossible for me to do… and I have made a conscious effort lately, not to put up walls to keep people out. I know it has all been to teach me the lessons that I have learned, in order to gain my present security and self-worth.
I just try to keep going, and think positively, knowing that God has a plan for everyone… and that we can’t always understand why.
Something you said to me in the bar, really hit home with me… when you looked at me and said that you didn’t believe me… that you didn’t believe that I loved you… and that you felt like I was not being honest with you. I felt like you were saying to me, that you thought I was trying to manipulate you… like you feel that if you allow yourself to believe me…”to fall for it” as you said that you will wake up one day to realize that you have been duped by me… that you will have fallen for a grand scheme that I am somehow master-minding in order to take something from you. I hope I was misunderstanding what you were saying, because if not, this makes me so sad… and makes me feel that I have not done a good job at allowing you to see who I am. I only wish that you really could see into my heart. I have nothing to gain by lying to you, or playing you, except pure misery and unhappiness in the long run… and no one understands this better than me. I truly was being honest with you and letting you deep inside when I wrote you those e-mails… and it was not easy for me to admit those things to you.
What is so ironic is that my stepfather did the same thing to me on Friday night (and has all my life). At dinner in front of everyone, he was accusing me of lying to him and manipulating him in order to get him to help me with something… and it was not true at all. He looked at me and said, “Shelley, I know how smart you are and there is no way you could have made that mistake… you don’t overlook things like that… I would have helped you anyway… you didn’t have to lie to me.” (He has done this to me all my life.) And the thing that is so sad is that I wasn’t lying and that I did make an honest mistake… but I couldn’t make him believe me. He cannot accept the person that I have become and cannot even begin to see who I am now… Nor can he see his own responsibility in molding me… All he can see is his reflection in my eyes. He is so afraid to believe me, because he thinks that I will have somehow won something out over him if he does. He even persisted with it, when I kept saying that I did make an honest mistake and that I wasn’t lying, by saying to me, “OK Shelley, maybe you did make a mistake… I guess you aren’t as smart as I thought you were”… in an attempt to make me concede and admit that I was lying… because he thinks that I would think that being thought of as a liar would be better than thought of as being stupid.
Kade, every time he does this to me, I end up just smiling at him… it seems to be all I can do. I hate the fact that I do that, but I can’t help it… and I know it makes me look like I’m guilty of what he is accusing me of, and I don’t know why I do it… I think it’s so that I don’t cry instead. I am telling you this because that’s how I felt in the bar with you… I even smiled at you when you said you didn’t believe me. It’s almost like I am smiling at the justice in life, like I am being punished for ever manipulating in the past and that I will never be taken seriously again. It is not my fault that I was raised and influenced to be that way, and through God’s grace I have OVERCOME and triumphed over the past… and am the most genuine person you will ever know. You may know people as genuine as me, but not more so.
I have come to understand something really well lately, that I have read over and over again in my study of spiritual psychology. It is said that we see with what we are seeing with… meaning that we see others to be as we ourselves are. My stepfather sees me to be as he himself is… he is capable of doing what he accuses me of, and does it all the time, as a way of life… so that is why he believes that I am capable of doing it to him. Also… it is said that when others have an opinion (or perception) of what kind of a person we are, and when they continually tell us, “You are an X person,” that we start to perceive ourselves as being that type of person, and we then become that type of person, because we start to believe it.
This is especially true with children. I’ve realized that all my life, he has told me how smart I am and that I am a manipulator… so in the past I have believed myself to be that. I have become very capable of doing what he accuses me of… and have even been damn proud of it. It has taken a lot for me to get past this, and to get down to the core of who I am and what I want… outside of the realm of other peoples influences. I have come so far and am so happy to be who I am now… and it is NOT POSSIBLE for me (in my heart) to manipulate anyone anymore. Manipulation is not something to be proud of… it is a sad ego booster… sad because what you get out of your temporary imaginary win does not last… and eventually contributes to trapping you in a miserable and false reality (or prison). How can something ever become real and lasting, if it’s foundation is based on a lie? I do not ever want to have a relationship again that is NOT REAL!!!
I truly have shaken off my false personalities and let you in… and everything I have said to you has been absolutely from my heart… and if nothing else, I hope you will believe that.
The greatest gift I can give you, besides my love, is your freedom… from me and my attempt to hold on to you. I do not want to be selfish, and want to always put you before myself… even though it terrifies me to think that I will have to lose you in order to do so.
I will be your friend and will be here for you always, no matter what you decide, as I have already told you. I want more than anything for you to give us a chance, but realize that it is not up to me… so, I am going to stop asking you and know that you will get in touch with me, whenever you are ready.
Shelley
Re: THE END & THE MEANS
E-mail Dated: 12-28-99
Kade,
After we got off the phone, I was lead by Spirit’ to read this passage. I wanted to share it with you, because I think you will connect with it. It reflected to me the person that I see you as and the person I see you wanting and trying to be… as am I.
I could never fall in love with someone who did not want to be a spiritually beautiful person on the inside… who did not fear God… or who wasn’t capable of understanding my desire to follow Christ. I am afraid of loosing that battle… of being not only sidetracked, but derailed from my mission.
That is one of the reasons I love you and need you in my life. I see these same things in you when you share yourself with me, by letting me in sometimes… when we drop our shields and really allow ourselves to talk to each other. We both share a deep desire for goodness and unconditional love in our lives. You are an example of strength for me to follow (even though I don’t think you can see it).
Here is the passage…
A soldier takes orders from another and is thus not fully responsible for his own actions. A seeker, on the other hand, makes his own decisions and takes full responsibility for his actions. A Spiritual Seeker is not a person who is at war with others; his/her battles are with the ‘Self’ – with the Adversary within, with the ego!… It is striving for a higher purpose… It is having the ability to give up something of value for the greater good of others, and to achieve a long term improvement in one’s own life. You must have singleness of purpose and clear direction… and have courage, and honor and victory in conflict… however your true nature should not be warlike, but should be one of determination, of reaching the mark whatever difficulties may be encountered, but by means that are Just…
“The means are what determine the end and shape its eventual character.”
Shelley
VULNERABILITY & ADMITTING YOU NEED SOMEONE
VULNERABILITY & ADMITTING YOU NEED SOMEONE
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 1999
Subject: The rest of the truth
Kade,
I want to be very, very, very honest with you. My self worth has been based on my mental aptitude, material success and my looks. And even though I’ve learned now, that this is not right and that I am worthy regardless, it still plays a big part into the person I allow others to see. I never want to be a burden to anyone, so I always pretend that I can take care of myself and that I don’t need anyone else… and that I never really will. And… I always try to hide my pain as well, because I want everyone to think I’m okay. I have been afraid that if someone thought I needed him, that it would make him feel burdened and that he wouldn’t want me.
I have gone out into the world, competed in it and proven to myself, and others, that I can do it, but I don’t want to do it anymore, it does not make me happy. I have always thought that if I could prove to a man that I could be successful, that it would make me worthy of his love, that he would love me for what I could accomplish. That is even why I bought that BMW, to show men that I was successful, and special and therefore worthy of being loved by them. It was like saying “here I am, don’t you want me”, I can make money, I’m as smart as you are, I can be your equal partner. But now, I know that was all a front. I was just being someone else, the person I thought someone else would want. I thought I could find love that way.
I have made you think that I would never need you to make me happy, that I would always be independent and self sufficient, but it’s not really what I want. I want to be needed, and I want to be able to let someone know that I need him.
I have also not been honest with you, about something else, I am in love with you, and I think you know this is true. I loved you before I even met you, and I fall even more in love with you, every time I see you, or speak to you. I just said I wasn’t yet, to try and protect you, and keep you from feeling any responsibility for me. But I know that is not right either. You are right in what you are doing, because I would not want to keep sharing myself with you physically, if you will never love me back… or if my ideals are not what you want for your own life. Sex to me is a spiritual thing and I have been giving myself to you, heart and soul, when we make love. And you are right, I would want my daughter to know that she was worth more, and that she shouldn’t settle for giving herself to a man who can’t love her back. You are absolutely right!
I wanted so badly to drop to my knees at your feet yesterday and wrap my arms around your legs and cry, pleading with you not to leave me. That is the truth. I do need you. I am being as honest as I can be with you. And still, no matter what, I WANT US TO BE LIFE LONG FRIENDS. I know you need time to think and I just wanted you to know the truth, while you are thinking about it.
I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road.
We meet at the lights
I stare for a while,
The world around us disappears.
It’s just you and me
On my island of hope.
A breath between us could be miles.
Let me surround you,
My sea to your shore,
Let me be the calm you seek.
And every time I’m close to you
There’s to much I can’t say
And you just walk away.
And I forgot
To tell you I love you,
And that the night’s to long
And cold here without you.
So I grieve in my condition,
For I cannot find the words to say
I need you so.
-Sarah McLachlan
Love,
Shelley
TRUTH, MANIPULATION & GAME-PLAYING
TRUTH, MANIPULATION & GAME-PLAYING
E-mail Dated: Aug 29, 1999
Subject: Honesty!
Kade,
A wise person once told me, that the TRUTH is more important than ANYTHING, even love. I’ve since learned that love can not truly exist outside of the TRUTH and that nothing real or good can be founded on a fallacy.
I have not stopped thinking about what you said to me on Friday night, concerning our relationship and that you were seeing other women. I believe you when you say that you enjoy what we have (so do I), very much, and that you don’t want to see it change (and neither do I). I want you to know that I am growing to respect you more and more, as I get to know you.
You chose to do the right thing by putting the truth first, above your desire to ravage my body that night (smile), knowing that telling me could have possibly changed the course of the evening we had planned.
I don’t know very many men, if any, that would have risked losing out on getting some by being honest at that moment (in the heat of such anticipation). And, in reality, if I were a normal female, it probably would have deeply affected my attitude and stopped me dead in my tracks.
At the very thought of competition, the person I used to be would have become like a fierce huntress, protective of her territory. At one time, I could have turned you into a prize trophy, an object of desire and set my sites to win you at all costs.
My every word and action could have been a premeditated attempt to control your feelings for me, and everything that’s real or that mattered, would have been lost in the battle, and I would have been left with an empty victory.
I know now that true victory comes from the submission to truth at all costs (it outweighs hopes and expectations). We never truly lose anything that matters and there is no reason to fear about the future. The person I am now, has learned that we can never truly possess someone else.
Although I must admit, that my ego still tries to interfere with my thinking. It’s like having an angel and a devil, one sitting on each shoulder (smile). I’m just so glad that the angel is stronger now and that I have learned how to listen to Spirit (the part of God/Love that lives inside me).
I have gained the power (which I know is not my own, but comes from Love), to overcome my ego (devil), and to fight the moods that at onetime clouded my understanding and my judgment.
I refuse to allow my ego to put me into a defensive game playing mode, where I feel like I need to start protecting my heart from you, because there may be a chance that it might get broken. I don’t want to protect myself from you; I want you to know all the love that my heart has to give, freely, without condition.
I know that I am a beautiful person, and I don’t mean it in a conceited way, like outer looks, but mean that I know that I am truly beautiful on the inside, where it really matters. I am pure gold, with an unselfish heart, that beats true. An angel has no need of armor, and that’s what I always want to be in your eyes, an angel.
When you think of me, I only want sweet things to come to mind, and wild passionate things too, of course (smile). I can only promise you this: that I will never use ugly manipulative words, in an attempt to control your feelings for me. I will always put your needs ahead of my own, for by doing so my needs will also be fulfilled.
I promise not to allow any ugliness to enter into our relationship on my part. I just want you to know who I am, inside, and what I’m thinking. I truly want to communicate to you what is in my mind and heart, so that you don’t have to wonder or guess about where you stand with me.
I know that what is meant to be between us will be, and that I can not control the future, nor do I want to, because what is best for me may be hidden from my view at this time. I know that this situation is a test for me to prove to myself that I have overcome my pride (ego).
My only rule in life is this: I WILL NOT BETRAY MY HEART. I will allow right action to flow through me, by making love my only motivation. Anytime I start to revert to my old ways, I stop and question my motivation. Is it my pride (ego) that wants this, or is this truly an unselfish desire? By doing this, I can’t lose, no matter what happens with us in the future. I can only win from knowing you, and sharing myself with you!
I just want to share what I have found within, (who I am), with someone who feels worthy of accepting it… with someone who knows that they do not have to do anything to deserve it, that can just gladly receive it.
“And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now…
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
Well everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am…”
- Goo Goo Dolls
Shelley
Love Letter: Jealousy, Fear, Insecurity
JEALOUSY, FEAR & INSECURITY
E-mail Dated: Fri, 17 Sep 1999
Subject: I need to say this to you!
Kade,
How do I begin? Once again, you have inspired me to write and that’s a good thing (smile), although this is going to be a tough subject for me. But, regardless of it being a difficult topic, I don’t ever want to leave things unsaid between us.
I treasure the way that we are able to communicate honestly and I don’t want to see that change. I felt a little bad this morning, when I left you, because I really felt the need to talk to you about our conversation last night.
Regarding what you said about Kevin, I know that we had both been drinking and I think that maybe we should have had that conversation when we were sober… but then again, it probably never would have come up and it needed to be addressed.
I really feel it’s necessary for me to say something to you about you feeling jealous about how I was treating Kevin, and saying that you thought I was attracted to him. I assure you, that is not the case, not even in the slightest. Although, I admit I was consciously focusing my attention on him.
I was trying to make conversation with him, to lighten him up, to help take his mind off of his break-up with his girlfriend. Also, I just wanted to get to know him, because he is your best friend. I wanted so much for him to approve of me, because I know how important he is to you, and I want him to like me.
I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or threatened by our relationship… like I might want to try to take you away from him. I don’t want him to feel like I will intrude upon your friendship, especially when he seems to be leaning on you so much right now for emotional support.
I never intended to make you feel jealous in any way and I apologize if that’s what I did… jealousy is the last thing I would ever intentionally want to make you feel. I care about you so much Kade and I want you to feel secure in that. You are so special to me, more than I can tell you, without scaring you away.
To me, you are like the Sun and I would make my life revolve around you, if you would let me. I see so much in you that I do not see… have not found… in other men. You should take this as the highest compliment, because I do not come by attraction easily… I have found it hard to come by, what I feel for you, where I feel equally, mentally and physically attracted… and where my soul feels at home.
I feel at ease when I’m with you. You are so beautiful and you do and say so many LITTLE THINGS that mean so much to me. I want you to know that I notice every single one of them and that I do not take them for granted, not for one second (even though you probably don’t even know what they are). I love what we have together and I want to see it continue to grow into the very special thing that I know it is meant to be.
I meant what I said last night though, when I said that I want you to feel like you can say ANYTHING to me. I do not ever want you to keep yourself from telling me the truth about how you feel, just because you are afraid that it will hurt me to hear it. I know that the truth does hurt very badly sometimes, but that it is always better to hear it than to live a lie.
“The truth will set you free,” and it always turns out to be what is best in the long run, even if we don’t want to hear it at the time. I was afraid, when you told me in the kitchen that you needed to talk to me, that you were going to tell me that you didn’t want to continue our relationship. I’m not going to lie to you, the thought of you saying that to me makes me feel very sick inside.
It would upset me terribly, but I would be able to deal with it, if it was what you truly wanted. I care about you so much already and have cried on several occasions, just from the fear that I will lose you. I have those jealous feelings, just like everyone does. It is just that I recognize these feelings now, as stemming from my own past fears… from my false belief that I was not truly worthy of being loved. So, as soon as they rear their ugly heads, I immediately try to kill them, before they get out of hand.
I now know that fear is only in my mind and that it can have no basis in my reality, unless I allow it to. I have learned that FEAR can create ugly monsters in our minds… It can control our emotions if we let it, causing us to act irrationally. Fear is what tears down relationships. There can be absolutely nothing wrong… but if we allow our fear to make us believe that there is, then we will actually make that wrong thing into a reality, by emotionally acting on that fear (that false perception).
I know that there is nothing that I can do to control how you feel about me, and that is a very scary thing… to be vulnerable and to risk having to feel that sick pain. But, like I’ve told you before, I do not want to protect my heart from you or to put up walls to keep you at a distance. I want you to know all the love that I have in my heart to give and I am offering it to you without expectation or condition.
I also want to talk to you about the dreams you said you had and you saying that my soul may not be meant to stay with yours, and that your soul may not be the one that mine is looking for. Maybe it is… Maybe it isn’t… only time will tell this for sure… but we will never know if we allow fear to stop us from finding out.
I do think that those dreams are just your subconscious mind trying to get you to recognize your own hidden fears… that’s what dreams are for, to make you realize the things that your conscious mind needs to recognize and deal with. I only say this to you, because I have worked through some major issues by learning how to tune into my own dreams… and I have had some amazing communication with my soul through dreams.
You said that you were told that my soul is special and that it needs to be shared… and that it is not yours to keep… And I believe that you are right, to a certain extent.
I believe that ALL souls are special and EQUAL… it is just that not all of us recognize how special we are. When we do not know who we are… (that we are a living soul – which is a small piece of God’s living Spirit, manifested in a human body, living on Earth, in order to learn how to overcome fear, by learning the real meaning and power of LOVE)… we tend to allow the fear of survival in this world, the fear of dying, the fear of failure, the fear of everything… to rule our existence.
So much so, that we stay so distracted with life, that we never take the time to realize the truth about our own power to defeat fear and to create our reality in the image of our choosing, merely by controlling our minds and emotions. People who live in a world controlled by fear and confused emotions are always placing their expectations for happiness on others, and are attracted like magnets to those who do know who they are.
I think this is true, because if we were not attracted to these people, we would never have the opportunity to learn what they have to teach… which is what we most need to learn. When someone finally recognizes the truth, (that they are their own source of LOVE and happiness), and they conquer their fears and ego, they become like the SUN… They emit a powerful energy that is like a source of light and love that others are drawn to.
Others become caught in the energy field of that person, the same way the planets orbit the Sun. This enlightened person then has a certain responsibility, because with knowledge comes the responsibility to share it, so that others can heal and find peace. “A light is not meant to be hid under a bush”… or something like that (smile).
That is how I feel… like a light that has the responsibility to shine on the path for others, and I HAVE TO EVER GUARD AGAINST MY BULB BURNING OUT (getting caught back up in my old selfish, egotistical thinking patterns)!
Ever since I have become spiritual, people are much more attracted to me, but most of them don’t really see ME (it’s not really me they are attracted to). It is like being a mirror in which they see their own reflection… I am simply reflectiing their own light waiting to be found. That is where that saying comes from, “The eyes are the window to the soul,” because the eyes are what act as the mirror to the other person.
It is said that when you look into someone else’s eyes, you will see your own soul staring back at you. Sometimes, this reflection is mistakenly confused as a sexual attraction by the person seeing it, because of the very strong feelings that it causes to be stirred up by that persons own soul. Their soul causes these feelings to subconsciously push them toward the source of the light (light meaning knowledge), so that they can learn the truth.
But… I know the truth about what these feelings really are, and I do not get confused anymore by what it is that somoene is really seeing when they look at me. I knew that this would happen to me more and more and I agreed to accept this responsibility of LOVE, by promising that I would share the knowledge I have learned with the people who are brought into my life.
But this does not mean that I cannot have a very special relationship with another soul, one who I am truly meant to accomplish something with. I believe with all my heart, that I will find that person… but I am not trying to make you into that person and I don’t want you to feel any responsibility for my happiness.
But… I do want you to know that you are special and that you are worthy of me! I have never had such an honest and open relationship with a man, one who makes me feel comfortable with expressing who I am, without making me feel threatened. Thank you for giving that to me, and for caring about who I am.
I don’t know what else I can say. I have been writing this all day, so I guess I’ll make this my stopping place. I hope that we can grow closer from sharing our thoughts with each other… the last thing I want to do is to lose you for some reason that is based on fear or lack of communication.
Shelley
God, Love & Destiny
Email Re: GOD, LOVE & DESTINY
Dated: 8-06-99
Subject: If You Really Want Deep!
Hi Kade,
You said you can never get to deep, so I thought I would share some more of what I believe with you.
I want you to know that my beliefs are flexible and changing. I think it can be dangerous to be to fixed in our beliefs, for then we are left with no room for growth. I love to discuss things, but I am not so pompous as to think that I have all the answers to life. I don’t think it is being RIGHT that matters, but the process of discussion and the search for truth that is important (the expansion of consciousness).
I know that other people have their own opinions and I change mine constantly as I grow. I don’t just believe something because someone says it or because it is in print. I test it, meditate on it and use my own discernment as to what feels like truth to me… and don’t try to force my opinions on others.
This is from a letter I wrote to a friend who was stressed out with life and was asking for my opinion. I thought I would share it with you. If you don’t agree, then I would love nothing more than to hear what you believe. You just don’t come across very many people who have even really taken the time to think about what they believe or that you can have deep discussions with. When you do find someone you can talk to in this way, without it turning into an argument, or a contest to prove who is RIGHT and who is SMARTEST, then you have found a real treasure.
——————————————————————————–
I believe that the outside world is a VEIL that hides the truth and that it is an illusion to believe that the world of matter is all that is.
“Unto the uninstructed,
Creation is as a mist and a vapor,
For existence is a veil of concealment,
Which hideth my true nature from their eyes.
By day, when thy senses busy themselves with their appropriate objects,
If thou seest me at all
Shall I be unto thee even as to thy forefathers,
Naught but a pillar of cloud,
Vague and uncertain, going before thee.
But at night, when thou hast withdrawn thy senses into themselves,
And thy mind is no longer swept away by the multiplicity of objects,
Thou shalt perceive me more clearly, as a pillar of living fire.”
- The above was borrowed from Book of Tokens by Paul Case
I never used to understand when I would hear people say, “I don’t know who I am” or “I need to find myself.” I always wondered what that meant, but now I think I know and believe that it is truly the ONLY thing that matters in life.
It is the only thing that will ever bring any true and lasting happiness. Nothing on the outside can compare to it and nothing else will ever be able to ease the discontent you will feel until you find it, not MONEY & SUCCESS, not OTHER PEOPLE, not SEX, not ANYTHING. The problem is that it is hard to stop allowing the outside world to interfere with our minds. We are deluded when we think that we MUST attend to the SURVIVAL part of our existence first. The TRUTH is that when you find inner peace, a miracle takes place, you come to realize that you can create your world in the image of your choosing.
When you attend to the inside first, you simultaneously create and provide for your own needs. There is truly no reason for us to struggle to make ends meet, but this just doesn’t seem believable… It sounds too good to be true.
The TRUTH is almost “to simple” to believe. You must have “faith”, become like a little child, to be able to see it. “Verily I say unto you, that unless ye have faith as a little child, ye shall never enter into the kingdom of heaven.”
I believe that God is not what or whom we are taught to believe by the Christian movement. All the religious rules, do’s and don’ts, eventual destination of heaven and hell, none of this is literal truth.
I believe the truth is clothed in symbolism, but too many people take the meanings literally. We have the power to create anything we desire, anything we ask for can be ours, because we have God’s power of creation inside of us. We are made in His image.
The “Kingdom of heaven is at hand,” meaning that it is waiting to be discovered now, by each man. I do not believe that Heaven is some magical place that we go to when we die; I believe it exists here and now, that it is what we find when we find ourselves.
And, until we do find it (ourselves), our souls will just keep being faced with testing situations that will force us to learn the true meaning of life, which is to learn the true meaning and power of LOVE. I believe this continuous struggle is the real meaning of Hell (the struggle of existence without self-love, a life lived in disillusionment, ignorance and fear).
There is just ONE KEY to finding this heaven, and that is LOVE. Whatever you ask for will be yours, if you come from a place of LOVE when you ask for it. Finding this LOVE is the Key to all miracles. But you have to love yourself first, before you will ever truly love others.
This is what I mean by LOVE. I love you unconditionally; you do not have to earn my love. I love you as I love myself. I do not judge you, because I can now see things for what they truly are. NOTHING you could ever say or do could change my love for you. I will always understand you, and have compassion for you. Anything I have is yours. I would do anything for you, even die for you, and I would expect nothing in return.
This love and compassion for all of humanity is what is meant by “Christ-Consciousness or Super-Consciousness” which is what everyone eventually finds on their inward journey. This is the love that Christ symbolized. When you can truly love this way, putting others before yourself and your own ego, nothing will stop you from having everything you want.
It is just that the things you want change once you love yourself, and you then want what is in the best interest of all of humanity, and not just what is in your own self-serving interest. When you come from this place of LOVE, all obstacles are removed. You are then able to say to that mountain, “move”, and it will move.
I believe that before we are born, we know that our purpose in the material body will be to remember our own power of creation, to remember the TRUTH about who we really are, that we are created in God’s image. When we have the “faith” that we will be cared for as we are searching to find ourselves, that is when we start seeing miracles happen in our lives. When we finally come to this realization, and recognize that we have been creating our outer material world all along, and prove to ourselves that the outer is merely a reflection of the inner, then we find true peace in our lives.
I believe that our power of creation is always working through our thoughts, and the KEY to controlling what we create, is to control our thoughts and emotions so that we can manifest what will truly make us happy.
“I’ll bite the hand
That feeds the pain.
I’ll lay my life down for LOVE.
I’ve lost the TRUTH,
I’ve lost my way,
And I am looking for it now.
I am looking for myself.
An Angel has no need of armor…
-Lyrics from Looking For It by Jann Arden
End of excerpt from letter.
I have had some awesome mystical experiences as I have expanded my consciousness and have come to respect the power of the mind. Some of the experiences are so awesome, that people think I’m weird or crazy when I try to share them.
I know you said you are really busy right now and I hope you know that I do not EXPECT you to reply in detail to my long emails. I truly try not to place any expectations on others. We all have enough to do, trying to live up to our own expectations of our selves. So, I hope I’m not making you feel pressured or obligated to respond with a long discourse. Although, I do look forward to talking to you in person about some of it, like you said in your last email. I would really like nothing better.
Talk to you soon, whenever you get a chance.
Shelley
1st REAL letter to a guy
My 1st “REAL” Letter to a Guy
Kade and I met at a party and were emailing each other to get to know one another. He hadn’t asked me out yet, but I was very much hoping that he would. I wanted him to know where I was coming from first though, because I was in the process of learning to promote who I really was on the inside and on mastering the fear that my true self woul be rejected.
It’s important not to hold back, edit or rehearse who you are, by playing some role you feel you must, in order to be accepted. When your words are the true voice of your heart, you will always win. Even if it’s not the outcome you initially hoped for, it will be the one that is best for you in the long run. When one door closes, another always opens… and it will be one that leads to somewhere even better, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time!
E-mail Dated: 8-02-99
Subject: Too Deep?
Hi Kade,
I thought I would explain my comment from my last email, when I said “I’m pretty positive I am unlike any woman you’ve ever met.” I don’t want you to think I’m full of myself.
What I meant was that I’ve worked very hard to overcome possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity, which are the smothering factors that most women project onto men in relationships (and vice-versa), which stifle freedom. I know how important it is for people to have time to themselves, to think and to be alone.
Just to tell you a little more about myself, and why I am so deep…
My parents (mom and step-dad) had a fairy-tale life together, or so it appeared. My step-dad is a multi-millionaire. I call him my dad, because he’s been a dad to me for 23 years, and we are very close. My mom had the whole world ahead of her. She and my step-dad built a company together and after selling it, she retired young. They had a love I idolized and then she died on her 47th birthday, in June of 1994, from cancer. My step-dad, no matter how much money he has, is never really happy. He looks for things to ease some kind of longing but doesn’t seem to realize that happiness is something money can’t buy.
I’ve spent a lot of time alone trying to sort out life, figure out who I am, and come to an understanding of what I think life is all about. And as weird as this may sound, all of the pain I’ve been through has made me a much better person and I wouldn’t change anything.
This is my favorite quote:
“Heaven never kissed the soul of she who knew not hell.”
In my last email, I said that I would send you some things that I wrote. These are excerpts from letters that I have written, that help explain who I am right now.
…”I always used to make myself into what I thought other people wanted me to be. I thought that if I was the person they wanted me to be, I would be loved and never left behind. This is actually very sad and shows no self esteem at all. I have learned to love myself and have realized that I don’t need anyone else to validate my self worth. I now know that I could be alone for the rest of my life, and be ok, because all the love I will ever need is already inside of me. I have also learned how to give freedom and space to others and know that it is never right to place your expectations on another. When we expect someone to behave in a certain way, and when we measure their feelings for us by how well they live up to those expectations, we will always be disappointed. True love means placing no expectations on another and allowing them to be who they REALLY are. I now feel true inner-peace and am free from all of those “insecurity” hang-ups! (I hope anyway)…(smile)”…
…”I’ve come to realize that how we see others is controlled by what we are seeing with. How we “see” is the key to everything. Now when I look at people I see them for who they really are inside. Their appearance, what they drive, and how much money they have doesn’t matter. All that matters is if their heart is in the right place”…
…”In the past, I was so caught up in material success and trying to look beautiful, that I lost sight of the true meaning of life, which is love. The motivation to gain material objects has actually prevented me from having real happiness. No matter how much money I have acquired, it has never been enough to make me truly happy. True inner peace and happiness come from loving others as you love yourself, you just have to find that love for your self first.”…
…”The relentless drive to acquire things, combined with the pressures of surviving in the material world is what keeps us wrapped up in our own selfish existence and distracts us from seeing the true purpose for our lives.”…
…”I have come to realize that the only thing that really matters in this life is that we come to know, love and accept our selves and that our only real responsibility is to be true to our own heart. Finding and then living our TRUTH is the only thing that will ever really make us happy… not material wealth, not other people, not anything that this world can offer.”…
…”I believe that we are our own ‘Judge and Jury,’ and that we are always creating our own justice, be it reward or punishment, with every thought we give birth to. In the end, we must always return to ourselves and recognize that it is our beliefs that create reality. To change our reality all we have to do is change our perception. It is our PERCEPTION of what is right and wrong, what is moral and immoral, what is acceptable and not acceptable, what is expected versus what we truly want… that creates the reality we live in. When we come to realize that our only true responsibility is to our own soul and to projecting what is on the inside to the outside world, then we become empowered and are no longer willing to suppress our own needs.
This is when we are no longer willing to be a walking, talking dichotomy, trying to balance our hearts’ desires with everyone else’s false perceptions of what or how they believe our life should be. I believe we are creating our own reality in every moment, and that the outside world be it peaceful and happy, or a never-ending struggle, is merely a reflection of our inner most beliefs at the moment about who we are. When we recognize this fact and decide to live our truth no matter what anyone else thinks, then we become balanced and truly happy with our present, instead of living in a perpetual state of worry… reflecting on past mistakes or dreaming about future prospects.”
This is where I was coming from in my last email, when I said I have overcome fear.
“The things you fear are undefeatable, not by their nature but by your approach”…
FEAR (borrowed from Gifts from A Course in Miracles)
Fear is not justified in any form.
There is nothing to fear.
This simply states a fact.
It is not a fact to those who believe in
Illusions, but illusions are not facts.
In TRUTH there is nothing to fear.
Fear lies not in reality, but in the minds of Children
Who do not understand reality.
Only our minds can produce fear.
Attempting the mastery of fear is useless.
In fact, it asserts the power of fear
By the very assumption that it need be mastered.
The true resolution rests entirely on mastery
Through love.
The need to recognize fear
And face it without disguise
Is a crucial step in the undoing of the ego.
Fear itself is an appeal for help.
This is what recognizing fear really means.
Fear and attack are inevitably associated.
If only attack produces fear,
And if you see attack as the call for help that it is,
The unreality of fear must dawn on you.
For fear is a call for love.
Look at what you are afraid of.
Only the anticipation will frighten you.
Under each cornerstone of fear
On which you have erected your insane
System of belief,
The truth lies hidden.
Where fear has gone, there love must come,
Because there are but these alternatives.
Where one appears, the other disappears.
And which you share becomes the only one
You have.
Without anxiety the mind is wholly kind.”
“How deceived was I to think that what I feared was in the world, instead of in my mind.”
…”I believe that it is only when we are willing to allow ourselves to become vulnerable, that we can truly learn and grow. Through vulnerability we can find our own true strength. Opening ourselves up is the only way we can truly become empowered. If we are always protecting ourselves from hurt, and building walls to keep people out, how can we ever learn the lessons they were meant to bring to us, the reason we attracted them into our lives in the first place?”…
“Wise art thou if thou knowest
That the subtle serpent of temptation
Is in truth the anointed One
Who bringeth thee to liberation…”
-Paul Foster Case
…”I have learned how to tame the restlessness roaring in the darkness, that beast within each one of us that would chain us to our own prisons, through the fear of the unknown.”…
I believe that we can not truly know and accept others, until we truly know and accept ourselves. When I know and accept myself, I can know and accept everyone else.”
Too DEEP????
Shelley